I like to think of myself as someone who isn't easily bothered. I don't understand people who allow anything and everything to piss them off. That can't be a fun way to go through life. "These peppercorns are NOT cracked enough. Please take them back or I'm leaving." (Can you tell I don't really know what peppercorns are?) Nevertheless, I do have a few pet peeves. Incidentally, "Pet Peeve" comes from the word "peevish," which means irritating. I can't tell you where the pet part comes from. If you know, share it with me.
1. Lemon anything - There might be nothing more disappointing finding that the dessert you've awaited while struggling through a sub par meal is lemon-flavored. The worst offender: Lemon cake. Lemon and cake have never paired successfully, as best I can tell. Why choose lemon cake when there are fo-sho slam-dunks like, I don't know, things that people actually do like? How about chocolate cake? Or yellow cake? Why take the chance with something that you know people don't like? You're not going to turn anyone onto lemon cake.
Exceptions: Lemon skittles, lemon cake if the Ace of Cakes is involved.
2. Yappy dogs - This should be self-explanatory. In Orlando, my neighbors had a yappy dog. From the second I stepped outside to, presumably, well after I was out of sight, they yapped non-stop. It's my belief they did this for everyone and everything. I don't understand why people choose to bring these things into their homes, I really don't. "You know I can't stand? Peace and quiet. Let's get a dog that barks at everything." I guess if you think that, you deserve it.
Exceptions: No exceptions. Not even dogs that yap to wake their owners during a housefire.
3. "Hundo" as in hundred - Don't use this. You're not saving any syllables, you're only saving yourself from respect. "How much for the ticket?" "Six hundo."
Exception: As a synonym for 100% certain - "Are we going to Taco Bell?" "Hundo."
4. Not being done when I think I'm done - I might hate this more than anything else. I've filled out lots of online applications lately, and nothing bugs me more than when they ask you a question or two, have you submit a resume, click submit, and then have you fill out countless more pages of questions. I hate it when I'm doing dishes and people leave more dishes. Nothing enrages me more than finding there's more work than I thought.
Exception: Finding that there is more chocolate cake than I thought.
5. Adding "-gate" to every scandal - Since G. Gordon Liddy broke into the Watergate hotel for Tricky Dick in the 70s, every single scandal has ended in "-gate." Bill Belichick cheats with cameras, and it's spygate. Three San Fran police officers steal a bag of mexican food and it's Fajitagate. Janet Jackson's boob comes out on national TV and it's Boobgate or Nipplegate. We can do better. How about a little creativity? How about we add "-Hullabaloo" instead. That's much more fun to say. Like, say the stroller company Bugaboo starts making their stuff with lead, we could call it the great "BugabooHullabaloo." Who's with me?
Exception: When the prefix rhymes with gate. "Skategate," "plategate," are both acceptable.
6. Using "hot" for anything other than physical attractiveness - Corporate America took the word over to sound cool back in the early 90s. See: "Hottest deals." Now, it doesn't mean desirable, it means stolen. Or "we can be cool, too."
Exception: When something is served very spicy or warm. As in, dig this hot sweater.
7. Customers who call without knowing any of the following: Their number, their address, what they want to order, how they're going to pay, or all of the above - This happens more than you can possibly imagine. At Papa John's, this happens everyday. Example:
"Thanks for calling Papa John's... How may I help you?"
"I would like to order a pizza."
"Okay, what would you like."
[pause] [Screams:] "Hey Lurlene, what do you want on a pizza?"
"While we wait, can I get your phone number?"
[pause] [Screams:] "Hey Lurlene, what's your phone number?"
Needless to say, this person doesn't know where they live, and they probably don't have enough cash, and they'll probably have to dig an expired credit card out of their wallet. Please, please, please, know what you want before you call. If you want a special, ask and then call us back or clip coupons like normal people.
Exceptions: When you're at a sit-down restaurant and everything looks good. Take your time.